The Phrases from My Dad Which Helped Us when I became a First-Time Dad

"I believe I was merely just surviving for a year."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the challenges of being a father.

Yet the actual experience soon became "completely different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. All of a sudden he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… every stroll. The role of both parents," Ryan explained.

Following eleven months he burnt out. It was a talk with his parent, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he needed help.

The simple phrases "You aren't in a good place. You need some help. How can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His situation is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now more accustomed to addressing the stress on moms and about PND, less is said about the difficulties fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan believes his challenges are linked to a larger failure to open up amongst men, who often absorb negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and remains standing time and again."

"It is not a sign of failure to request help. I didn't do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in front of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is just as important to the household.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the space to request a break - going on a short trip abroad, separate from the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he had to make a shift to focus on his and his partner's emotional states alongside the logistical chores of looking after a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she needed" -holding her hand and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will read as he grows up.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The concept of "reparenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male parenting. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says repressing emotions caused him to make "terrible decisions" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as a way out from the anguish.

"You turn to things that aren't helpful," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Strategies for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling overwhelmed, tell a friend, your spouse or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - continue with the activities that helped you to feel like you before having a baby. Examples include going for a run, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - a good diet, staying active and when you can, getting some sleep, all contribute in how your mind is coping.
• Spend time with other new dads - sharing their stories, the challenges, along with the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Know that seeking help does not mean you've failed - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen understandably had difficulty processing the loss, having had no contact with him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead offer the stability and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the feelings safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men because they acknowledged their issues, altered how they talk, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I'm better… sitting with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I think my job is to instruct and tell you what to do, but actually, it's a dialogue. I am discovering just as much as you are through this experience."